so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
