I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
