idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
