ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
