Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
