I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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