I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
