well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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