my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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