one might say we're banned from that church
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
