i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I skipped work to stalk him.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
