She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
