is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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