i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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