I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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