Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
