dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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