about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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