I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize