Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
