Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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