Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
