i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
