mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
