I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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