I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
