the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
