Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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