So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
