So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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