trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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