my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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