I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
