Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
