My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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