Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
