dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
