I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
one two three fourrrrnication!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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