Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
