he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
