walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
