Sry I called you an 8
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
