Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
