Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize