I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
