are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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