he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
