If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
