I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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