Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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