I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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