When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
