How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
