Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
