U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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