I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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