Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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