I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
