I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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