I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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