my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize