I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
