The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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