the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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