I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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