So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
