i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
